Something unusual has happened over the course of this year and last (and hell, maybe even before then)—people seem to love Paris Hilton in an ironic-unironic way (ironic in that they’re talking about the “That’s Hot” celebreality figure in 2018, unironic in that they once probably adored her and her 2003-2007 TV show with then-BFF Nicole Richie, The Simple Life, truly, honestly and passionately). This Valentine’s Day, Hilton’s back in our lives with the release of a new song, the doo-woppy “I Need You.” I’m here to tell you not to buy in—she’s an unpologetic Trump-voter, an all-around super suck-y famous person, and no matter how novel this might seem, it’s dumb and bad.
Believe me, friends, when I say this is coming from someone who adores Paris Hilton’s one and only album, 2006's Paris (and its secret pop-punk banger “Screwed,” originally written for Hilary Duff’s older sister Haylie Duff. Who else would know that fact? I’m telling ya—I love the album). But that was then, this is now. And I know, it’s cute how the internet is nostalgic for the ‘00s right now (there’s a goddamn Pokémon movie underway) but Hilton shouldn’t really benefit from that. Because she sucks.
If you think I’m being too harsh, tell that to the women she accused of lying about sexual assault at the hands of, you probably guessed it, Donald Trump, which is a thing she did.
In conclusion: She sucks, this song is stupid, so long and goodnight. Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day!