Photo: Rachel Murray (Getty Images for Guess, Inc.)

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez, you know him as A-Rod, just bought a $15,316,715, never-lived-in-before Midtown Manhattan (that’s New York City, baby) condominium. It originally hit the market for $17.5 million, but they’re savvy folk. I know this because Variety just acquired photos of the not-so-humble abode via Street Easy, and I’m kind of losing my shit—Jenny has left the block.

According to Variety, the spot includes the following:

  • A private elevator landing
  • A 21-plus-foot entrance gallery lead to a nearly 30-foot square combination living and dining room
  • 12.5-foot ceilings (A-Rod is tall, y’all.)
  • Solid oak floorboards laid at a herringbone pattern and four, ten-foot square single pane windows with staggering open views to the north and east across the city and the entirety of Central Park
  • A wide pocket door in the gallery slides open to a den/library
  • A separate, center island kitchen featuring marble floors and countertop
  • A mix of white lacquer and natural oak cabinetry accented with polished chrome fixtures and a breakfast bar floated across a north facing window high above East 57th Street
  • A terrifyingly tall, elegantly austere and uniformly fenestrated tower, designed by world-renown Uruguayan architect Raphael Viñoly
  • Valet parking
  • An attended lobby with doorman and concierge services
  • A games parlor
  • A state-of-the-art screening room
  • A health club and spa with a building-wide indoor swimming pool
  • S residents’ restaurant where three meals a day are served from an open kitchen under 15-foot-long chandeliers hung from a 30-foot ceiling

I am exhausted from not being ridiculously wealthy. Check out some photos of the joint below, and please, hide those tears. You’re an adult!